TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: PERSONNEL DEPARTMENT DATE: 1/23/87
SUBJECT: STANDARD PROCEDURE?INSTRUCTIONS ON DEATH OF
EMPLOYEE

IT HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO THE ATTENTION OF THIS OFFICE THAT
MANY EMPLOYEES HAVE BEEN DYING WHILE ON DUTY FOR APPARENTLY
NO GOOD REASON. FURTHERMORE, SOME EMPLOYEES ARE REFUSING
TO FALL OVER AFTER THEY ARE DEAD. THIS, IN SOME CASES, HAS
RESULTED IN MUCH UNEARNED OVERTIME PAYMENTS.

EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY, THIS PRACTICE MUST BE DISCONTINUED.

ON OR AFTER THIS DATE, ANY EMPLOYEE FOUND SITTING UP AFTER
HE HAS DIED WILL BE DROPPED FROM THE PAYROLL AT ONCE,
WITHOUT INVESTIGATION UNDER REGULATION NO. 26, SECTION 0,
"NON?PRODUCTIVE LABOR."

WHEN IT CAN BE PROVEN THAT THE EMPLOYEE IS BEING HELD UP BY
A DESK, TYPEWRITER, DRAWING BOARD, TELEPHONE, OR ANY OTHER
APPLIANCE WHICH CAN SUPPORT THE HUMAN BODY, THAT IS THE
PROPERTY OF THE COMPANY, A 90?DAY PERIOD OF GRACE WILL BE
GRANTED.

THE FOLLOWING PROCEDURES WILL BE STRICTLY ADHERED TO:

IF, AFTER SEVERAL HOURS, IT IS NOTED THAT AN EMPLOYEE HAS
NOT MOVED OR OPENED AT LEAST ONE EYE, THE SUPERVISOR WILL
INVESTIGATE. BECAUSE OF THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE NATURE AND
ORIGIN OF SOME EMPLOYEES, AND THE CLOSE RESEMBLANCE BETWEEN
DEATH AND THEIR NORMAL WORKING ATTITUDE, THE INVESTIGATION
WILL BE MADE QUIETLY TO AVOID WAKING THE EMPLOYEE IF HE OR
SHE IS ASLEEP, WHICH IS PERMITTED UNDER THE PRESENT REGIME.

IF SOME DOUBT EXISTS AT TO THE TRUE CONDITION OF THE
EMPLOYEE A PAYCHECK IS TO BE USED AS THE FINAL TEST. IF THE
EMPLOYEE FAILS TO REACH FOR THE CHECK, IT IS REASONABLE TO
ASSUME THAT DEATH HAS OCCURRED. NOTE: IN SOME CASES THE
INSTINCT IS SO STRONGLY DEVELOPED THAT A SPASMODIC CLUTCHING
ACTION MAY OCCUR. DO NOT BE MISLED BY THIS MANIFESTATION.

IN THE EVENT THAT AN EMPLOYEE FAILS TO ABANDON WHATEVER
HE OR SHE IS DOING AT COFFEE TIME, NO INVESTIGATION IS
NECESSARY AS THIS IS CONCLUSIVE PROOF THAT RIGOR MORTIS
HAS ALREADY SET IN.

Submitter comment: THIS OFFICE MEMO SHOULD BE TYPED ON THE COMPANY LETTERHEAD
USING CURRENT DATE.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): PERSONNEL

James Callow Keyword(s): HUMOR ; XEROX LORE

Date learned: 00-00-1970

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TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: PERSONNEL
SUBJECT: ABSENTEEISM DATE: 5/25/70

SICKNESS: NO EXCUSE. WE WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT YOUR DOCTOR'S
STATEMENT AS PROOF, AS WE BELIEVE THAT IF YOU ARE WELL
ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, YOU ARE ABLE AND WELL
ENOUGH TO COME TO WORK.

DEATH (OTHER THAN YOUR OWN): THIS IS NO EXCUSE. THERE IS
NOTHING YOU CAN DO FOR THEM, AND WE ARE SURE THAT SOMEONE
ELSE WITH A LESSER POSITION CAN ATTEND TO THE ARRANGEMENTS.
HOWEVER, IF THE FUNERAL CAN BE HELD IN THE LATE AFTERNOON,
WE WILL BE GLAD TO LET YOU OFF ONE HOUR EARLY PROVIDED THAT
YOUR SHARE OF THE WORK IS AHEAD ENOUGH TO KEEP THE JOB GOING
IN YOUR ABSENCE.

LEAVE OF ABSENCE (FOR AN OPERATION): WE WILL NO LONGER ALLOW
THIS PRACTICE. WE WISH TO DISCOURAGE ANY THOUGHTS THAT YOU
NEED AN OPERATION, AS WE BELIEVE AS LONG AS YOU ARE AN
EMPLOYEE YOU WILL NEED ALL OF WHATEVER YOU HAVE AND YOU
SHOULD NOT CONSIDER HAVING ANYTHING REMOVED. WE HIRED YOU
AS YOU ARE, AND TO HAVE ANYTHING REMOVED WOULD CERTAINLY
MAKE YOU LESS THAN WE BARGAINED FOR.

DEATH (YOUR OWN): THIS WILL BE ACCEPTED AS AN EXCUSE, BUT
WE WOULD LIKE A TWO WEEK NOTICE. WE FEEL IT IS YOUR DUTY
TO TEACH SOMEONE ELSE YOUR JOB.

ALSO, ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME IS BEING SPENT IN THE REST
ROOM. IN THE FUTURE, WE WILL ALLOW THE PRACTICE OF GOING
IN ALPHABETICAL ORDER. FOR INSTANCE, THOSE WHOSE NAMES
BEGIN WITH "A" WILL GO FROM 8:00 TO 8:10 A.M., "B" WILL
GO FROM 8:15 TO 8:30 A.M. AND SO ON. IF YOU ARE UNABLE
TO GO AT YOUR TIME, IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO WAIT UNTIL
THE NEXT DAY WHEN YOUR TURN COMES AGAIN.

Submitter comment: THIS SHOULD BE TYPED ON COMPANY LETTERHEAD, USING THE
CURRENT DATE.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): PERSONNEL ; POLICY

James Callow Keyword(s): HUMOR ; XEROX LORE

Date learned: 00-00-1970

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TABLE OF EXCUSES

TABLE OF EXCUSES
PLEASE GIVE EXCUSE BY NUMBER IN ORDER TO SAVE TIME:
1. THAT'S THE WAY WE'VE ALWAYS DONE IT.
2. I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WERE IN A HURRY FOR IT.
3. THAT'S NOT IN MY DEPARTMENT.
4. NO ONE TOLD ME TO GO AHEAD.
5. I'M WAITING FOR AN O.K.
6. HOW DID I KNOW THIS WAS DIFFERENT?
7. THAT'S HER JOB, NOT MINE.
8. WAIT 'TIL THE BOSS COMES BACK AND ASK HIM.
9. I FORGOT.
10. I DIDN'T THINK IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT.
11. I'M SO BUSY I JUST CAN'T GET AROUND TO IT.
12. I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU.
13. I WASN'T HIRED TO DO THAT.

Submitter comment: THIS SHOULD BE PRESENT IN CHART OR MENU FORM.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): EXCUSES

James Callow Keyword(s): XEROX LORE

Date learned: 00001970S

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RUSH JOB CALENDAR

NEG FRI FRI THU WED TUE MON
8 7 6 5 4 3 2
16 15 14 13 12 11 9
23 22 21 20 19 18 17
31 30 29 28 27 26 24
38 37 36 35 34 33 32
1. EVERY JOB IS IN A RUSH. EVERYONE WANTS HIS JOB YESTERDAY.
WITH THIS CALENDAR, A CUSTOMER CAN ORDER HIS WORK ON THE 7TH
AND HAVE IT DELIVERED ON THE 3RD.
2. ALL CUSTOMERS WANT THEIR JOBS ON FRIDAY...SO THERE ARE
TWO FRIDAYS IN EACH WEEK.
3. THERE ARE SEVEN EXTRA DAYS AT THE END OF THE MONTH FOR
THOSE END OF THE MONTH JOBS.
4. THERE WILL BE NO FIRST OF THE MONTH BILLS TO BE PAID,
AS THERE ISN'T ANY "FIRST." THE "TENTH" AND "TWENTY-FIFTH"
ALSO HAVE BEEN OMITTED -- IN CASE YOU HAVE BEEN ASKED TO PAY
ON ONE OF THESE DAYS.
5. THERE AR NO BOTHERSOME NON-PRODUCTIVE SATURDAYS AND
SUNDAYS. NO TIME AND ONE?HALF OR DOUBLE TIME TO PAY.
6. THERE'S A NEW DAY EACH WEEK CALLED--NEGOTIATION DAY.

Submitter comment: SHOULD BE PRINTED IN CALENDAR FORM WITH DIRECTION UNDER IT.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

Keyword(s): CALENDAR

James Callow Keyword(s): CALENDAR ; HUMOR ; XEROX LORE

Date learned: 00001970S

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A DAY OFF!!!

A DAY OFF!!!
SO YOU WANT THE DAY OFF
LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT YOU ARE ASKING FOR.
THERE ARE 365 DAYS PER YEAR AVAILABLE FOR WORK.
THERE ARE 52 WEEKS PER YEAR IN WHICH YOU ALREADY
HAVE TWO DAYS OFF PER WEEK, LEAVING 261 DAYS
AVAILABLE FOR WORK. SINCE YOU SPEND 16 HOURS EACH
DAY AWAY FROM WORK YOU USED UP 170 DAYS, LEAVING
ONLY 91 DAYS AVAILABLE. YOU SPEND 30 MINUTES EACH
DAY ON COFFEE BREAK THAT ACCOUNTS FOR 23 DAYS PER
YEAR, LEAVING ONLY 68 DAYS AVAILABLE. WITH A ONE
HOUR LUNCH PERIOD EACH DAY, YOU HAVE ALREADY USED
UP ANOTHER 46 DAYS, LEAVING ONLY 22 DAYS AVAILABLE
FOR WORK. YOU NORMALLY SPEND 2 DAYS PER YEAR ON
SICK LEAVE, THIS LEAVES YOU ONLY 20 DAYS AVAILABLE
FOR WORK. WE ARE OFF FOR 5 HOLIDAYS PER YEAR, SO
YOUR AVAILABLE WORKING TIME IS DOWN TO 15 DAYS. WE
GENEROUSLY GIVE YOU 14 DAYS VACATION PER YEAR, WHICH
LEAVES ONLY 1 DAY AVAILABLE FOR WORK AND I'LL BE
DAMNED IF YOU'RE GOING TO TAKE THAT DAY OFF!!!

Submitter comment: OFFICE HUMOR

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

James Callow Keyword(s): XEROX LORE

Date learned: 00001980S

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NOTICE
THIS DEPARTMENT REQUIRES NO PHYSICAL FITNESS PROGRAM:
EVERYONE GETS ENOUGH EXERCISE JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS,
FLYING OFF THE HANDLE, RUNNING DOWN THE BOSS, KNIFING
FRIENDS IN THE BACK, DODGING RESPONSIBILITY AND PUSHING
THEIR LUCK.

Submitter comment: PRESENTED AS A NOTICE TO EMPLOYEES.

Where learned: MICHIGAN ; DETROIT

James Callow Keyword(s): HUMOR ; XEROX LORE

Date learned: 00001980S

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